Ban Gun. Ban Jawbones. Ban Shakespeare! That Will Fix All of Our Problems.
|From The Internet Dark Ages|
Following is a parody on Banning guns by author E. Merril Root from his book, America’s Steadfast dream, that illustrates the folly of the debate of “gun control.”
One mode of anti-frontier and anti-self-reliance propaganda is contemporary hysteria about gun control ???????? a part of the materialistic determinism of the hour. To the superficial minds of ??????Liberals,?????? collectivists, Marxians, et al., instruments are supposed to act upon man, and men (no longer self-reliant) merely to be acted upon: to them, murder lies in the gun and not in the soul of man. So they think that to deprive men of guns would prevent man from murder!
What the Power Boys ???????? the insiders ???????? behind the gun controls really want, of course, is not to control guns but to control us. They want registration so that they can confiscate; they want to confiscate so that they will have power and we shall be powerless ???????? even as we live today upon a wild frontier demanding ever more self-reliance.
On the old frontier, men had to rely upon themselves and had to be armed until there were sound laws and until law-enforcement officers could enforce the laws. Today laws against thieves, muggers, thugs, rapist, arsonists, looters, murderers (thanks largely to the ??????Liberal?????? majority on the Supreme Court) are diluted almost to the point of abolition; the Marshal Dillons of the world, thanks to the same Court, are disarmed or emasculated, they are told to respect the ??????rights?????? of thieves, muggers, thugs, rapists, arsonist, looters, muggers, above the right of good citizens to be secure from such felons.
Good citizens, deprived of the processes of the law or the protection of the police, are supposed to accept their lot as the passive happy victims of ??????the unfortunate,?????? sheep to be sheared of feed to the wolves bleating about the loveliness of it all. It is ??????violence?????? if good citizens defend themselves; it is not ??????violent?????? but ??????protest?????? if they or their property are assaulted. So gun controls are the order of the day ???????? gun controls that will disarm me of good will, but will not disarm the Mafia, the mobs out on a spree, the wolves on the prowl, the men of ill will.
This is a part of the ??????Liberal?????? sentimentality that does not see sin, evil, violence, as realities in the soul of man. To the ??????Liberal,?????? all we need is dialogue, discussion, compromise, co-existence, understanding ???????? always in favor of the vicious and never in defense of the victim. The sentimental ??????Liberal,?????? fearful of self-reliant man, believes this to be a good thing; the cynical Power Boys pretend to believe it, and use it for their own ends.
Gun control is the new Prohibition. It will not work, as Prohibition did not work. But meanwhile it will be tried, as a sentimental cure-all, a new usurpation of the rights of a once thoroughly self-reliant people, another step on the march to 1984. It is only a symptom of our modern disease, but it is well worth examining at a little more length. And, as I recently made a trip to the land of Sentimentalia, and brought back a published account of gun control there, I hope you will permit me to offer it as evidence speaking to our condition:
??????A few hundred of the several hundred million citizens of Sentimentalia have in recent years been shot by criminals. The Congress of that land, led by Senators Tom Prodd and Jokey Hidings, and egged on by the President, responded with a law to first register, and eventually confiscate, all the wicked instruments known as ???????guns.???????? The law was passed amid tears of joy.
??????But, alas, when guns continued to be used by the happy thugs thus freed from the fear of being shot by self-reliant citizens, the Prohibitionists claimed that this meant that knives need to be forbidden??????? and then violence and murders would end. They already had laws against switchblades (quietly evaded); but now they claimed that any sort of knife was lethal; so they sent out teams of bureaucrats to register pocket-knives, letter openers, and straight-edged razors, and to register and license the owners of paring-knives and butcher-knives, and steak-knives and ice-picks…so nobody was supposed to be murdered any more. Some conforming, society hypnotized housewives even came marching into police stations with aprons full of knives, and sang ??????You Shall Overcome???????? as they dumped them in heaps??????? presumably to be melted into plowshares. (Nobody was ever sure of this, and the cynical even suggested that they found their way to the underprivileged, for after all the underprivileged needed knives.??????
??????Even so, murder continued in Sentimentalia, and sporadic violence, so the Prohibitionists announced that it was because the controls hadn????????t gone far enough. After all, murders were often committed with baseball bats, hammers, axes, hatchets, etc., etc., and how could you have a non-violent world until you did away with baseball bats, hammers, axes, and hatchets, etc., etc. Thereupon carpenters, bowed with a sense of guilty, paraded into public squares with hatchets and hammers by the gross, and dumped them before the melting pot. But houses were no longer built, and baseball ceased to be much of a game, and Paul Bunyon went for the tall timber and was never seen again because, as a self-reliant man, he wouldn????????t register his ax.
??????When murders still continued, the Prohibitionists found a wicked book called the Hebrew Bible, and discovered that Jael had killed the sleeping Sisera with a nail or a tent-peg, and Samson had slain a thousand with the jawbone of an ass ???????? and so they registered and licensed all tent-pegs and nails, and searched out and confiscated the jawbone of every last ass. And when murders still took place, the Prohibitionists found that they were sometimes committed with women????????s stocking, so now no woman was allowed to appear with stockings unless her legs were examined full length to assure that she had a license sewed into her nylons, and eventually they decided that women had no constitutional right to stockings anyway, and should keep them in a public repository while not wearing them, and call for them when needed. And the police went around stripping nylons off women????????s legs, and everybody was sure that this was the end of murder.
??????Next some ???????Liberal???????? read a play by William Shakespeare and found that Othello murdered Desdemona with a pillow, so all pillows had to be licensed. Often the Prohibitionists came breaking into homes at night, and snatched pillows from under sleepy heads for failure to produce a license. When murders still continued, ???????Liberals???????? discovered that desperate men used fingernails and teeth, and now going to extremes they extracted all teeth and abolished all fingernails. But even this wasn????????t enough. They discovered that murders had been committed by kicking; so you had to have a license for a pair of shoes, and you had to register every pair of feet and some large, brutal-looking feet were amputated.
??????By this time, people were so fed up with controls that they took out after the sentimentailists and the Power Boys with fists and fingers and frozen snowballs and rocks. Senators Prodd and Hidings and even the President took a refuge in bomb-shelters and managed to survive; but on the other side of their trauma they armed themselves with guns.?????? Such is the account of something rotten in the State of Sentimentalia. But ??????Liberals?????? never learn, and the Prohibitionists still supposed that murder is in the gun and not in the soul of man!
______ How would you propose we fix the problems we face? It truly is idiocy to be discussing a ban on weapons. The problem is in the soul of man.
Founding Father Trench Coxe said,
“The power of the sword, say the minority of Pennsylvania, is in the hands of Congress. My friends and countrymen, it is not so, for THE POWERS OF THE SWORD ARE IN THE HANDS OF THE YEOMANRY OF AMERICA FROM SIXTEEN TO SIXTY.  The militia of these free commonwealths, entitled and accustomed to their arms, when compared with any possible army, must be tremendous and irresistible. Who are the militia? are they not ourselves. Is it feared, then, that we shall turn our arms each man against his own bosom. Congress have no power to disarm the militia. Their swords, and every other terrible implement of the soldier, are the birthright of an American. What clause in the state or federal constitution hath given away that important right…. The unlimited power of the sword is not in the hands of either the federal or state governments, but where I trust in God it will ever remain, in the hands of the people. ” 
. “A Pennsylvanian” (Tench Coxe), To The People of the United States, PA. GAZETTE, Feb. 20, 1788, at 2, reprinted in 2 DOCUMENTARY HISTORY, supra note 57, at 1778-80 (Microform Supp.). Other installments are in PA. GAZETTE, Feb. 6, 13, 27, 1788.